Leaving the Ocean


I’m so sad to be leaving the ocean already. Two days just doesn’t seem like enough. Mom and I are in the car heading back, and it just feels too soon.


While we were here, we went into the Ocean Shores Bakery, and it struck me again that I want to open my own bakery. I imagine what it might look like, and how happy it would make me.

I keep telling myself that it will happen eventually. I will get there. It wont be this week, next month, or next year, but I will get there.

It’s been a great weekend with mom, and very revitalizing for me. Tomorrow is a new day, full of new possibilities, and new ways to reach my dreams.



The hardest things in life teach the us greatest lessons.


Even though the sun set about two hours ago, knowing the ocean is right outside my window definitely brings me comfort. It’s been a terribly long and emotionally rough week, and getting away for the weekend and escaping to the coastline was just what I needed.

Long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend. It was harder than I thought it would be, but the relationship simply couldn’t continue. I’m trying very hard not to dwell on it, so I’m not going to make this post all about him. After all, that’s probably what he would want, right? Don’t give the enemy attention? Yeah, something like that…

Anyways, so, I’m focusing on me. Right now, I’m having a wonderful glass (actually…it’s a hotel paper cup…not even a red solo cup…) of Three Olive Bubblegum flavored vodka, and I’m enjoying a relaxing weekend at the ocean with my mom. Come Monday, I’m ready to face everything knowing that this breakup has made me stronger. It’s time for a few changes, and really time for some growing up.

I’ve made it a very clear goal to be back in school by Fall of 2013 to (finally!) study Culinary Arts at the local community college, and to specifically study to be a pastry chef. It’s *literally* all I can think about; how can I get the tuition in time? How long will it take? Where do I want to work when I graduate? I’m actually quite impatient that I’m waiting til 2013, but I know it will be much easier if I can have the time to save up money for it. It’s really all I have wanted to do since I was little, but I was driven away from it when I went to a math and science high school. This is something I truly can’t wait to start.

Next focus? Weight loss.  I feel like I’ve sung this song before is so many different versions, but I’m determined to find the right notes to hit this time. Mom’s been juicing lately and it’s been working wonders for her. Her skin looks amazing, and she’s lost a ton of weight. Coupled with using the elliptical, and I’m really hoping to make huge strides in finally controlling my weight. If I’m completely honest with everyone, I have to admit I’ve gained too much weight lately. Moving out and being on my own made it so easy to buy cheap, terrible-for-you foods, and I completely regret the decision. I don’t know exactly what my routine will end up being, but I am turning to mom for help. As long as I can get it out of my head that this isn’t an overnight fix, and keep myself focused, I should be able to get into new, better habits soon.

Those are really the two biggest goals in my life right now, and I think it’s finally time I buckle down and get started. Being at the ocean the past two days has really given me time to reflect on what I want, and where I want to be, and this breakup really opened my eyes to what I could be doing with my life. At the age of 21, what better time than to be selfsih and really get to where I want to go. The grand openness of the ocean reminded me that there are endless possibilities.

Ocean Shores, 02-11-2012

I never want to leave again.


It’s hard to believe it’s been 11 months since the last time I posted on this particular blog. It’s also hard to believe how much has changed since then.

I have to say, I miss writing all the time. I don’t do it as much as I’d like to anymore, and I guess that’s just a consequence of being busy most of the time. Not to mention I was without a computer from August to December. That was a rough time. What’s even worse, is all my writings, music, and pictures are stuck on my old computer, and I can’t get them to my new one without physically removing the hard drives. I miss all my music the most…

I’m not sure what my goals are coming back to my blog…I feel very passionate about a few subjects that are currently in the news, most notably the “Occupy Wallstreet” movement, that I’d like to post thoughts about. I might even have a poem or two to post in the future (If I can ever get decent thoughts together for them 😛 )

Mainly…I guess I just wanted to say I’m here again, and that I’ve missed this blog very much. You can also find me on my shared blog weight4us.wordpress.com, where you’ll find our progress on our weightloss journey.

Hope you guys (whoever still reads this…) have a wonderful and safe Friday the 13th 🙂



As simple as breathing…


Staying true to myself,

Taking time to live.

To breath.

To see.

To love everything around me.

Dreaming daily,

And making it reality.

This just flowed out when I opened the page to create a post. I’m very happy with life right now, and I’m loving that I have taken the time to really breath.

Life’s Clock, Pieces, and Thoughtful Suffering.


Life’s Clock

I used to think it too an eternity

For an hour to go by.

Now, an hour feels like minutes

And months feel like days.

Time gone quicker than it came.

Moments escaping, opportunities lost.

Life being lived with out even realizing it.

Too busy to stop and live in the present,

Too busy to take a risk,

To take a drive just because,

To feel the wind in your hair,

Or the rain drops on your cheek.

And you know this feeling,

But you don’t change.

So life continues to pass you by,

And you miss the best moments

Because you were tired,

Or had other things to do.

And when the clock stops ticking,

When it’s finally too late,

Will you look back with a smile?

Will you be proud of what you have become

And the memories you have?

Or will you look back with regret

For a life that was never lived?

Don’t wait to die with regrets.

Take a moment, breath in the air,

Don’t just inhale.

Recognize each day as new

And remember you don’t have eternity,

And life’s clock is ticking,

As days continue to feel like hours…



I have this feeling.

Something isn’t right.

My life is missing a piece,

And I can’t find it.

I have tried searching,

Never finding what I need.

Always feeling overlooked.

Most days I try to understand,

And accept that the piece will never be found,

That I’m not meant to have it.

And ever so slowly,

My heart breaks.

I feel tears in my eyes,

As I ask in silence,

“Will I ever be whole?”

I close my eyes

And imagine finding the piece.

Finding him.

A second of completion.

But when I open my eyes,

He disappears,

And I shatter into pieces.


Thoughtful Suffering

I can’t understand this,

Why you’re always on my mind,

And why I can’t escape it.

Taking over thoughts that don’t belong to you.

Capturing memories, and destroying them.

Leaving nothing untouched.

You carry on, and I am left to suffer,

To be tortured with your memory,

To by quietly alone with the thought of you.

To remember the unbearable,

Of love once shared,

Then broken in a single moment,

And a heart broken along with it…



Usually I don’t feel the need to explain my poetry, but a strange theme of missing someone, or missing a part of myself due to someone has been occurring a lot in my poetry, and I honestly don’t know why. I have no idea who it could be about, but I think my subconscious  knows and is pressing the issue. At any rate, I’m happy to finally have some new writing to post. I feel like it’s been way too long. I may write a journal blog in the coming days if I have some extra time.

Thanksgiving, and where has the year gone?


We are growing closer and closer to yet another year ending; new beginnings and changes are just a smidgen over one month away, but it feels like the year has only begun. I still can’t fathom that Thanksgiving has come and passed already. Where has 2010 gone?

I was very lucky to share the Thanksgiving holiday with my aunt, uncle, and cousin, as well as my parents and three siblings. In spending time with them, laughing and sharing stories, I realized just how fortunate I am to be a part of this loving family. We have all gone through very hard times this year, and I believe that holiday made us realize that no matter how terrible our problems were/are, there are still things there to be so thankful for. For me, it took some of the worry and stress away to know that I always had my family. I hope to see my family more this holiday season; from what I understand, we have some baking to do!

I still can not believe it’s nearly Christmas once again. Honestly, I still don’t feel it, even though we have already had snow, and the trees and decorations are up. Perhaps it’s the fact that I have grown so much; I no longer have Christmas vacation from school to look forward to, or it could be that life is so routine that I don’t realize how many days and months have really gone by. Sometimes even the weeks seem like just a dull blur of true nothingness. Nothing major accomplished. Nothing changing. Consistence so blindingly apparent that the need for something different is physically painful. I decided today that I need to see friends more, but unfortunately I don’t have many that live close to me anymore; most are off to college. I miss them a lot, though I know that means I need to somehow go out and make new friends. You would think that would be easy. I fervently beg to differ.

But I have a feeling that next year is going to be full of change, but not drastic, physical changes. I feel like I may go through emotional changes, and that maybe someone important is going to enter into my life early in the year. I also have a feeling that I will grow more as a person, allowing immaturity to give way to creating who I really am. It’s an exciting feeling, and it’s letting me relax a little, knowing that things are going to go well. I can usually trust my feelings, especially when I feel them this strongly.

As for 2010, well, it’s been a hard year, and I’m glad to see it go. My family has been through a lot, and it’s time to put this year behind us. The glorious thing about each passing year is even when it’s full of sadness, there’s always a piece of new knowledge to bring forth into the new year to better your life, and that should not be forgotten. This year, my gained lesson has been to keep your head up, even when a situation is dire. Life always has a way of putting the pieces back together, allowing you to live again. Don’t take anything for granted.

So with that, I’m going to wrap this up and sign off for the night. Thank you to all who have taken the time to read this, and I hope to post more soon.